Dual Edge Photography | Hallelujah

Hallelujah

December 15, 2016  •  1 Comment

www.dualedgephotography.com

 

 

"And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

I didn't know what I was getting into. I didn't know that this would all mean everything. To me. To you. To us.

I didn't know that I'd lie awake every night wishing I were doing more. Making more. Creating more.

I didn't know that I'd feel that way even after a 12 hour work day. 

I didn't know this would bring me family. I didn't know that this would bring me a future.

I didn't know.

I was going to be a theatrical stage manager. I was going to tour with companies and live my life on the road. Many of my friends did.

I am incredibly proud of them.

I fell in love and wanted to stay home when the time came to pursue that dream.

I'm a free bird. I'm an adventurer. I didn't think I'd settle down so young. But...I did.

I don't regret that at all. Not one bit. I love seeing the person I love every day. But, I wouldn't have been in an office building if I had gone. I spent my entire childhood - my entire life - saying I'm not a desk person. I'm not an office person. When I was 14 I knew this. When I was 16, I blurted it to whoever would listen. When I was 18, I went off to major and minor in things that had no office in their future.

When I was 22 I became an administrative assistant. At a desk. In an office.

I cried every morning and I cried every night that I wasn't doing the thing that I loved - photographing. Some of my best memories were in that office building with those people. People I've shared a million laughs with. People I was grateful to see every day. People I still see every now and then today...and I embrace and I laugh and we exchange stories. But every day I cried. "It's not that stable. You have a career here. A paycheck here. A treasure chest of benefits here." It's what many told me and it's what I told myself.

"Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor (you know)
I used to live alone before I knew you"

I don't ever want to seem ungrateful. Having a job (and a good one) is something people dream of, pray for, and need. I don't want anyone to think that my life there did not matter to me. It did. I'm a person who (although I mostly internalize this, never to see the light of day) is incredibly and overly appreciative for the people in my life. I miss my friends there. I miss joking with them, giggling with them, and the conversations I had with them. I miss THEM. I make sure to tell them that when I see them, too. But I cried every day.

I need a reason to be here. On earth. It is very first-world of me. But I need that (and crave that) satisfaction of knowing I'm doing what I meant to. I don't need to leave any type of legacy behind. I just need to know that I feel like I am making a difference in this world...to myself and the people I come across.

I needed to take photographs.

I needed to know I was doing something that would make me proud. I needed to know I wasn't afraid to accomplish it. 

"I thought you just...you know...took pictures every once in a while." I'll never forget who said that to me and the impact it had on me. It hit me in the chest and made me realize that I have to do this. I have to go out and pour my heart into this and let the photos scream from the rooftops themselves that this is more than "just" taking pictures. I needed to go out and follow my dream.

I blasted "Hallelujah" on repeat that day. There's a lot to that song. Let's be real and lay it out there - it is truly and plainly about sex. 

But, take that away...it's also a little bit about trying to find your way.

A small part of it.

Sometimes a small take-away from a song is all i need. That one little part. 

I needed to find my way.

As I said in my last blog post, I ended up doing that.

Paying for your own benefits sucks. And sometimes, I get lonely when I edit for days without seeing another human face besides Adam's when he comes home at night. But, everything else is beautiful. Everything else...it's worth it.

It doesn't come without a hustle. I spend all day working and I spend all night working. When I'm not shooting, I'm editing. When I'm not editing, I'm doing any of the never ending list of things a business owner does. I just spent 48 hours doing end of the year financial things and let me tell you...a creative mind doing accounting-type things...it's not a beautiful sight. 

But I want to.

I was just playing video games with Adam and couldn't concentrate because I just wanted to work a little more. I WANT to.

And I struggle with being that type of person to act "inspirational" in any way. It's a very exposing thing to me to be nurturing like that. Especially because I am very against the whole "everyone gets a trophy" mentality the world has seemed to fall into. I'm a realist. Things do not and can not get handed to you for you to see success. You absolutely must put blood, sweat, tears, and broken hearts into it. So I remain more quiet and reserved about it.

But you can do it.

What I WANT is to be able to run up to people and exclaim (quite loudly) "you can do this too." You can follow your dreams. You have to...HAVE TO...work tremendously hard. But, you need to know that there's someone out there who believes in you. Even if I don't know you. I believe if you've got that fight and that fire inside of you, you can follow your dream.

If you do what you love, and love what you do...my oh my...you are an unstoppable force. 

Do it. Dream it. Consume every part of it.

It's going to suck some days. One day you will wake up with the confidence of a god. The next, you'll wake up mysteriously doubtful of everything about you. The next day...you'll cry your eyes out. The day after that you will feel so friggin fabulous no one can stop you. Then, the day after that, you'll not want to get out of bed. It's a never ending cycle. But it all leads to your dream. Someone has been where you are. I have been where you are. Many people you know have. It does not signify a need to quit. It signifies a need to conquer.

I'm going to try a little bit harder to leave my shell and be able to tell people that. About being a warrior. About finding their Hallelujah.

Because you deserve to spend every day doing what makes you passionate.

Taking photos light my soul on fire. Each moment spent with the people I've met...they're astoundingly precious to me. I don't know where I'd be without all of you. I don't know what else could bring me this much happiness than to see you live your greatest minutes, laugh your biggest laughs, and cry your biggest tears. I want nothing else than to document it all for you. Your moments mean everything to me.

I didn't know what I was getting into. I didn't know that this would all mean everything. To me. To you. To us.

But, oh my, it does.


Comments

Jacqueline Pion(non-registered)
My sweet amazing courageous women. I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN YOUR AS A WARRIOR A WEDNESDAY. I am so deeply happy you are living your dream and being brave being Wednesday everyday. Love Grandma
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